The Alternative
by LadyKatieKay
Summary: The thoughts that went through House's mind, during the last 5 minutes of 6x22 "Help Me". Pairings: One-sided House/Wilson ; some House/Cuddy.


Title: The Alternative

Word Count: 887

Pairings: One-sided House/Wilson ; some House/Cuddy

Spoilers: Season 6 season finale.

Summary: The thoughts that went through House's mind, during the last 5 minutes of 6x22 "Help Me".

A/N: I'm SO sorry about the double spaces format, FF automatically did it to my document, and I couldn't figure out how to fix it.

* * *

Staring at the Vicodin in your hand, you can't help but think, "You are a failure."

Tonight, you are a failure in every aspect of your life.

You are a failure because you only have two aspects that come to mind when you think about your life.

Work and Wilson.

The patient, Hanna, is dead. Wilson has, again, chosen his newest girlfriend over you.

And here you are, left all alone, sitting on a bathroom floor, with a broken mirror, and two bottles of Vicodin.

You laugh bitterly at yourself.

Look at yourself; you couldn't even save that woman's life. Tonight her husband is grieving, and it's all because of you.

Earlier today your boss had not hesitated to tell you how pathetic you are.

But most importantly, Wilson doesn't want you. Your best friend. The one person that truly means something to you. He's happy that you are out of your…his…apartment.

He's tried to nudge you toward a relationship with Cuddy, possibly thinking the more you thought of her, the less you'd think of him.

He doesn't need you constantly wanting to be around him…he has Sam.

Sam is who you never will be. Sam is beautiful. Sam is perfection, in Wilson's eyes.

But Sam had stopped loving him at one point…while you never have stopped, not for a moment.

Every second of the day, you love him. When he smiles, you love him. When he gets frustrated with you, you love him. When you've known he probably hated you, you've still loved him.

You still love him now, even though you are sure you aren't even in his thoughts at the moment. He's probably at home, cooking dinner, reading a book, watching TV…with her. You are the furthest thing from his thoughts. Right now, to him, you are insignificant.

You are nothing.

Not until she's out of the picture, will he want you once again, and not even in the way that you've secretly hoped. He's never going to hold you in his arms. He's never going to tickle your ears by whispering sweet nothings. He not going to kiss you, much less say he loves you. He's going to call you up, have dinner with you. Be your friend again. Tolerate you.

Just as everyone you have ever known, has tolerated you, all your life.

You never had a chance to be someone that everyone genuinely liked.

Instead you are a persona. That persona is what everyone sees. What he sees….

You have no idea how to be perfect, or beautiful, or charming.

You know how to be a bastard, and how to be ugly You know it for a fact judging by the many times people have shouted 'what you are' in your face.

The person you tried to become could never be developed. Against your will you became this vision that everyone painted of you. You couldn't do anything to stop it. But you know you can't change it.

The truth is you have absolutely no idea who you should really be, and continue with this persona out of necessity.

Since everyone views you as this utterly bitter and evil person. Why bother trying to figure out who you really are? Maybe you weren't MEANT to mean anything to anyone.

Not every person is meant to be loved/remembered, and you just happen to be one of those people. You are someone who fills in the gaps in society.

People **want** to notice, and remember charming, smiling, handsome boy wonder oncologists.

**Nobody** wants to notice or remember a limping, formerly drug addicted, asshole.

In the long stretch…you are what Wilson currently he sees you as.

You are NOTHING.

You are forgettable.

You are…nobody.

There's no such thing as love or happiness, even though you've believed you had found a glimpse of each…they were gone within a moment.

Those sort of wonderful things are not wasted on someone like you.

All that there is for you is pain and sorrow…and all you want right now is to drown out your pain and sorrow with the pills in your hand.

Do it. Take the pills.

Dull the ache in your heart, and blur his face, that you see, whenever you shut your eyes.

You hear a noise, and look up to see Cuddy staring down at you.

Nudging you toward her has seemingly given Cuddy the impression that Wilson had hoped for. As currently she is speaking to you…telling you she has left Lucas…telling you she loves you. She says she wishes she didn't. But she can't help it.

It doesn't matter that hours earlier she told you what was wrong with you…told you what she really thinks of you.

Loves you? She doesn't love you, not after what she said earlier.

She loves the _idea_ of you. The idea that someone loves _her_. The person she told you that you were earlier today, doesn't matter

You don't really matter in the equation. But…what matters is you are IN the equation.

But the fact is, she says she loves you. Wilson would never even dream of saying that he loves you.

You stand and kiss her…wishing you were kissing him.

For now, you've become this… interpretation of love, to her…. and you take it.

Because the alternative, is that you **only** remain…as _nothing_…

To him.


End file.
